I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
