Tell her she can't have a vagina
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
