No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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