Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
