I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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