I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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