You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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