When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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