When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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