I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize