my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
