I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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