Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
