So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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