Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
