Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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