my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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