my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
