I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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