apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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