girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
