Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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