I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
