Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
