I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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