do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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