I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
