gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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