You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
