When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
