We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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