I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
