so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
