I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
