Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
