we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
