I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
