Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
