My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
