he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
