I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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