She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize