you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
