just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
