Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
