Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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