Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
