cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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