At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize