I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
PS: I just woke up from my shower
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
