Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize