dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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