flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
