I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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