All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
