My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
