i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
