Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
