Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
pray to the hookup gods
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize