and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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