Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize