I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
