Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
