Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
