i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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