It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
