I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
