Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
