I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
