8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
