his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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